It’s a hole. A hole in my heart. The hole that I cannot put words to or fill. I’m a giving person who wants to do what is right. When I can’t give it hurts. Where there is something that someone has dreamed of their entire life and you should have the ability to give it to them, but for one reason or another you can’t even though you wish you could that’s a hole. A hole that cannot be filled. I feel so empty without being able to give something.
I saw a new doctor today for infertility that I knew what I was walking into as nothing has changed. How did it make me feel? Like crawling into a ball in a dark corner and crying myself away. My wife has always wanted a baby and to be a mom. I’ve always wanted a kid and like most guys a boy to carry on my family name. But here I am pretty much spermless. I say pretty much because there is a tiny chance there may be some in the testicles but there is none in the ejaculate.
It hurts. A man is supposed to be able to procreate and I can’t. I feel so worthless on multiple fronts. What can I do? Well I can eat and get fatter that seems to help nothing. I have no motivation. Not even to get out of bed much less go to the gym or diet. I hate it. I hate it all.
I know what it takes but bad habits and things being easy are easier. When life is so hard because of work and infertility and depression and money. The last thing I want to do is suffer more by dieting and exercising even though it can lead to better things.
I know it would help my mood and a lot of things but I just can’t. I give in and give up. It seems to be the only thing I’m good at. I’m having a hard time typing on my phone so that’s where I’m going to end it. At least for today.