Complaining · Emotions · Fear · Health · Stress

Giving Up or Finding Hope?

Well Thursday night rolls around and I try to go to sleep and I got to thinking about death and how scary it is. I got so afraid of dying I started to literally shake. The more I think I have this under control the more out of control I feel. So that’s it (he says tonight…) Monday some time I can get a break in going to make an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I need help. I can’t go on feeling this hopeless all the time. I need something, anything that can help at this point. 

I say this tonight, but I’m pretty tired. Tomorrow I might get some sleep and feel like I can take on 2 or 3 things (probably thought I was going to take on the world didn’t ya? Yeah no…), but tonight I’m saying it. I need help. 

A couple things I’ve noticed is that first is that I can materialize my thoughts into words that I type or write. If you asked me to speak what I am thinking and my mind goes blank. That is also something else I’m noticing. I should probably make a list of this. I blank out a lot. 

My mind used to be and is sometimes very sharp. I can tell you what I did from the time I got up to the time I went to bed in chronological order. If you ask me what I did today or what I learned well today I… I… I did some stuff?

I remember years ago I could come back with a quick wit or rapid response. Rapid fire roll out right off the tongue. But today I can barely get a functional sentence out. 

I need to get me fixed in many ways. I will see when I can get an appointment with this random doctor I found and it looks like they take my insurance. 

If I could get my mind working correctly and my testicles working I’m pretty sure I’d be a wee bit more ok with things. It’s a fight though. It’s a tough one too. In fact I feel like it’s an impossible fight. 

I guess this is all good though, right? To recognize that there might be something wrong. Lay out all of your issues and do what you can? I don’t have any tools or way to fix this, but I’m going to keep fumbling forward until I do finally fall down for good, but until that happens…

-Later Day

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