Some days you wake up and you don’t want to wake up, some days you wake up and you regret waking up (today), and some days you wake up and well, ok, I guess so. There never seems to be that hop out of bed sing a show tune and dance myself to work type mornings. Granted I’m not that type of person, but it would be cool to have that once.
I know I have depression and I know I have anxiety. I know I have an introvert personality that has been amplified because of the depression and anxiety. Now I may have always had that, but when my baby niece passed away, then my aunt, then my baby nephew not even making it in a few months stretch, well, in Spinal Tap terms it went to 11. In fact it probably went off the dial.
It’s been 5 years so I can wake up now and get out of bed. So if that wasn’t enough the universe decided “hey let’s have this guy not be able to have kids of his own, won’t that be a blast?” I can tell you for a long time I’ve always dreamed of having a family of my own. A wife, 2 kids, you know the nuclear awesomeness.
Yeah I went through my rebellious teenage years where I wasn’t having kids or they weren’t for me, then as an “adult” the thought of kids terrified me because I can’t take care of myself much less another human being that will depend on me, but all that fades away when you meet the one. The one who sticks by your side through sickness and in health. The fear escapes you and your dreams come back.
Take your dreams and smash them into pieces. Tiny tiny non-traceable pieces because they are for suckers. The harder I try, the harder I get shit on and I keep trying like a sucker who believes in dreams.
It’s worse when everybody around you, even those who didn’t initially want it, have what you want. Everybody. People fucking abandon children and murder them and the universe wants to give me the ol’ fuck you. Boy how I feel like letting the depression win. Just giving up and walking into the ocean and have that be that.
But no, like a sucker with dreams I continue to get up every morning (or late afternoon) and fight forward. Seeing everybody two-stepping through life with what they want. It just feels like the blade gets deeper and deeper turning that much more.
I’ve come a long way in 5 years after dealing with that tragedy, but I wonder sometimes how much I’m holding on and how much I’m actually winning this fight. Is holding on winning? I don’t know. I know I never feel good enough and it seems I get reminded of that frequently.
I know this sounds like a poor me, my life sucks, boo hoo type ordeal and maybe it is. Fuck you. But it isn’t. But still, fuck you. I want you to be aware that people’s lives suck for one reason or another. I have constant sinus infections, I’ve dealt with horrible loss, right in a row all at once, and a part of my functionality as a male human does not function. I’ll tell you what you can tell me that doesn’t measure a man, but when evolution and your “God” made that the main function. Guess what? I don’t measure up.
I still get up though. I used to think I was persevering or winning but now I just feel like a loving zombie going through the motions. Not every day though, but I do. Then on top of all this, I try some things and fuck those up. New job, fix what might be my sinus problems, this computer I’m working on. And it just seems like things have to get worse.
You know. I’m not asking for things to be good, I’m just asking for things to stop being awful. Before you start your cheer up or look on the bright side nonsense when I try that the universe knows how to quickly remedy that.
Thanks universe, you’re a true pal! I think what I’m getting at after all this is I still feel helpless, powerless, and lost. I look for help and I get dicked over. I try and I get smashed down. So of course now my anxiety is at full blossom and it’s like why even try anymore?
A big problem too is cost and no one wants to talk about things. Let’s just say my depression and anxiety on top of all my other shit were keeping me from getting out of bed again, where do I go for help? Can I afford them? Will I be wasting my time? What type of specialist do I go to? Where do I start? Can I afford it? There are so many factors involved and again, no one wants to talk about it.
So here I am, 32, dealt with 3 major deaths, can’t have kids of my own, not good at anything and no interests really in anything, overweight, going grey and the only thing I do have going for me is an amazing wife and amazing family.
I’m going to keep muddling through searching for something, finding nothing, but still going. Talk about things and open your hearts. Always realize that some people are going through more than they show on the surface. I pretend everything is ok when it’s not. Alright I got my frustrations out for the day. Feel free to share your thoughts and all the bullshit you’re dealing with. I know people out there have it worse. But at least there are others out there that will listen, but until then…
– Later Day