So what now?

So what do you do when just about everything sucks? And I mean just about everything? Do you look on the bright side? Well you can but if you’re a pessimistic introvert than that outlook really isn’t going to happen? So what do you do? 

I’ve learned you stop. You give up. You let go. I’m not good at it and depression/anxiety always find their way to me, but I’m truly fucking sick of the universe shitting on me. I don’t know what I did wrong and I don’t know why I deserve this. If I have a past life I must have been a monster is all I can think. 

Those thoughts creep in all the time. So what do we do? Stop. Give up and let go. I did what I thought was right an everything was wrong. I know less about myself than I ever did. I guess that’s not entirely true. I know more of what I don’t like. 

My job is at the top of my shitlist and it’s only there because it’s something I can control. I really thought thrusting myself into something like this was going to be beneficial but it’s not. I hate it. I hate waking up to come here. I dread going to sleep to have to wake up to come here. Sunday I don’t want to exist because… You get the point. The job itself isn’t super difficult it has its challenges. The people I work with are for the most part great but the work, the job. I hate it. 

Even at my previous employer I didn’t dread it like this. So now add another notch in the belt of jobs I no longer want so what now? Every job for entry leve requires a degree in that field, 15 years experience, and a recommendation letter from the POTUS. Well that’s not happening. 

I’ve decided to go left field and I’m just going to see what I can find that pays well and at the very least get me out of here. I need to work on me. This will be the first step. I need to work on my health too. Now I know you might be thinking health first. Well in a sense it is. The job correlates to my mental health. The other part is my physical health. I will be working on them together but separate. 

I want this change. For someone who never liked change I’m craving it. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I’m going to work on sleeping and getting healthy. It will be a struggle but I imagine it will be worth it in the end. 

I’m tired. Very tired. I’m tired of it all and it all weighs on me. Well no more. I just can’t take it anymore. I walk around feeling like I’m carrying my on my back and I just can’t take it anymore. So hopefully I can stick to my guns and make this work and in 3 months be totally different from where I am now. 

We shall see, but for now

– Later Day

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