I’ve figured out that when I’m stressed I grit my teeth causing my mouth and ears to hurt. Further stress leads to ear aches and sore throats. Fun stuff right? All the fun of staring a new job. The anxiety of not knowing anything is something I can get past. The fact that I get the impression everyone thought I was more skilled than I am bothers me. I feel like they look down on me and I don’t know if that’s just me or maybe they do? Anyway one person in particular I know does look down on me and I really dislike his overall attitude. He seems to be the kind of person who runs and tells teacher EVERYTHING because he’s teachers helped when they really aren’t.
I know I’ll make mistakes but I’d rather not. If I can go to extra lengths to do a little more to not screw something up than so be it. Ideally feel so completely overwhelmed and not knowledge on anything. Yes in the past two months I’ve doubled my knowledge and I should be proud of that but my confidence has been shut down over the years I constantly need recognition. I don’t feel like I’m good at anything. Plus add my medical issues into that and some days i really have a hard time moving forward because, well, you know, what’s the point?
No matter how down I get though I have an amazing wife and an amazing family so I do get up and I do keep moving forward. I need out though since I can’t get out of my life I definitely need a different job one where I can make enough money to cover the bills and start exploring other areas.
Every morning I wake up and I have to wonder if they will just let me go because I’m not skilled enough or I’m not working out. I can’t face unemployment. Why does job changing have to take forever? I just want to make money to do things I love like spending time with my wife and my family and traveling. If I could get paid doing that I’d be rich in happiness but that’s not how this shithole life works. This life let’s people who use kids at money or tax refunds have kids and those who desperately want them not. It’s so hard and I just want to give up. But I won’t. I’ll find an alternative and I’ll persevere.
I’m good at that too. Whether or not my job is something I can learn and get qualified in all that in the end doesn’t matter. The job itself is nothing like I imagined. At least previously I felt appreciates. Here the attitude is really different. Yes some people appreciate the help but others feel bothered that their stuff isn’t working and they can’t work. Most are cool, but I just don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything. I feel like I’m under quick sand gulping for breath and trying not to be completely swallowed up. I feel lost and like I don’t belong. I feel basically like this work is not for me.
I don’t want to be upset all the time but I just hate it at this point. I especially try not to let my wife know as she has enough going on but she does and I feel bad that she feels bad. I’ll make my way out of this and hopefully something better will come along or maybe I’ll find something I’m finally good at but until then
– Later Days