Fear can control you. In fact, I’m pretty certain that there is no one out there that isn’t in someway controlled by fear. Whether it is someone who suffers from a legitimate disease where they have to turn on and off the light 15 times before they can leave a room or lock a door a certain number of times to make sure the door is locked because of their disease or because of fear. There are phobias too. The uncontrollable fear or something (or event) because of maybe something that happened or it may have been taught or might be built in. Run out of the room screaming because of a lizard, spider, cockroach, etc? Yeah fear.
It grows bigger though. There is the fear of change. I know I personally suffer from that. I have experienced loss in my life (yeah who hasn’t) and it is the only thing I can think of that makes me fear change. I want to take in every minute, every second, and have it never leave me. Though as I have listened to a few Buddhist podcasts I have learned that there is always change. There is no second in your life that is the same as the one before it or the one that will follow it. That helps a little, but I like things the way they are and I never want them to change.
On the other hand. I want everything to change! How scary is that? I look in the mirror and I don’t like myself. I don’t like who I feel I’ve become because of certain events and because some things haven’t changed. I don’t like what I look like when I look in the mirror and I want that to change. I’m not in love with the place that I live and I want that to change. I don’t hate where I live, but I feel it is a starter home and there is so much work that really I feel is required to make this place what I feel I would love and instead of putting all that into it I feel that it would be better to find something else. That way this house can be the next person’s starter or a flippers investment. I’ve spent 7 years at my job and I got a degree last year. I also feel like it is time for a change in that department.
However, fear has held me back for the most part. Then I put myself out there and the universe shuts me down. I start working out then I get sick. I start working out again and I get hurt. I search and search and search for a job only to get rejected constantly. Suffering from the catch 22 of experience is required for a job and you need a job for experience.
Last week I got some exciting news and some devastating news. The news was equivalent to the death of a loved one in a sense. The real bitch of it all is that I had to deal with one thing one day and the other the next. Of course, it was the order you don’t want it. I had the “loss” (as I will call it) followed by something that could be life changing. In fact both were pretty life changing. The loss is a medical issue that I don’t wish to really disclose, maybe down the line I will, but right here and right now I won’t. However, the next day dealing with my more exciting news I talked to the doctor where there might be a good outcome, well, maybe not a good one, but it’s a tiny bit of hope where there was no light in the tunnel the day before.
So what does one do? I have the fear of the unknown leading into this week. I have fear of hearing back from the doctor. I have fear of my exciting news coming back. Everything involved depending on how each event goes can potentially change everything and it scares the hell out of me. Because of my medical issue I’ve decided to jump head first into weight loss. I gained the 20lbs back I lost early last year and that is unacceptable. I’m going to diet or change my lifestyle. I’m going to the gym and I’m going to hit it hard. I need to lose weight and it makes a big difference for my medical issue.
The paleo diet I’m going to do (slowly work my way into it) and the working out for the weight loss is a life changing event. Starting next week everything I knew about myself last week could be completely different! It’s quite frankly really fucking terrifying. Because of the events that happened last week I’m now 2 weeks behind in the transformation I applied for on Bodybuilding.com and I’m afraid I won’t make difference enough to try and win the money, but that might be ok.
I’m starting over. I’m scared. Terrified. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to sleep over the next week, but I know one thing. I have one thing that I know has always been in my corner no matter what and that is perseverance. No matter what happens I don’t give up and I keep trudging through the trenches. I’m trying to view it as exciting, but I’m so mixed up that I don’t know how to feel. One minute I feel like crying myself to sleep in a ball hoping to never wake up and the next I want to dance like Singing in the Rain because of possible opportunities. Somewhere inbetween is where I am though.
Over the next week I’m going to nervously going to check my e-mail around 100x a day. I’m going to look at my phone dreading a phone call, but still checking that around 100x a day. I may be scared, but I’m going to continue. I’m going to come up with alternative if things don’t work out and nothing changes since that is an option. Fear is always there and whether it is making me feel like crying or running I’m still going to work through it. One of the best things I ever heard was that being strong isn’t the absence of fear, but the ability to continue in spite of fear. I guess I’m strong than I ever thought because I don’t give up.
No matter what I won’t give up. Hopefully I’ll be able to come back with some new exciting news where I’m dealing with fear, but happily. So until then…
- Later days