I hate being sick and I wish I could do something about it. Every time I start doing well with eating I break down and give into cravings. My wife helps, but we give into each other way too easily. I’ll say I really want pizza and she tells me ok. If she is having a bad day I want to get her food to make her feel better. I’ve gained so much weight that I’m a belt loop up. I went back to the gym and the same thing that happens every single time I go back I get sick.

I’ve had an ear issue for over a month now and my doctor’s are moving to some new system so I can’t get in to see them as easily as I was. I went to a walk-in clinic because I figured it was just an ear infection. The first time I was given an antibiotic and a decongestant then told to come back if I have an issue. 5 days later I was having more pain than I was when I originally went to the clinic. I went back thinking I just needed a better antibiotic and they gave me amoxicilin and told me that the guy that previously prescribed me medicine has a 30% fail rate and didn’t understand why he prescribed it.

Listen I’m not in there for pain meds, first they don’t have it, second I don’t like taking them, I just wanted something that could fix my problem. I took the 10 day antibiotic which I finished in Baltimore and on our last day I started having sinus issues. Thinking I just had a migraine or maybe not doing my sinus rinse twice a day I took my contacts out and made it fine. A few days later the pain got pretty bad and I figured I was going to end up in the hospital again.

I called my doctor and couldn’t get in until January (this was October) and I called my ENT and I couldn’t get in until Dec. Pissed off about this new “system” that Baycare was putting in place because the doctor load has been cut in half. I called back the next day after my anger subsided and I was able to get in sooner. I got the appointment with my ENT so I kept that even though I got into my primary’s office (not my primary, but another doctor that works there). He gave me some ear drops that seemed to work, but now my hearing is all jacked up.

My right ear constantly feels like it has water in it (because it has the antibiotic in it twice a day) and my left ear also feels like it has some liquid in it. I already have a hard time hearing and now it is a bit worse. Then a day or so ago I started having pain right above my eye. It’s in a different place than previous infections, but it still feels like an infection. I just need to make it a week and a half until I can see the ENT.

I’m so frustrated with everything at this point. I can’t control myself with eating and I’m constantly sick and I’m sick of it. It seems like every time I try I get worse. I have another doctor’s appointment after the ENT and I think they are going to tell me I’m fat, but everything I do seems to fail.

I know the idea is to keep going and just do it, you’re only making excuses, but I’ve been this way my whole life (not the sick part, but the fat part) and it’s extremely hard to get out of that comfort zone especially when clean eating is so bland and fat eating is so great. I want so badly to change and I know the idea is to just shut up and do what I need to do, but I want to please people and it’s so hard to want to take care of myself and put myself forward.

I’m sure when the doctor tells me I’m super fat and that’s why I can’t do certain things that will force me to change my life (unless he doesn’t tell me that then I guess I really have no real motivation to change). I’m going to google why I get sick when I start working out. I really want to get healthy. I really want it. I’m just going to have to do what I can and stick with it. I really need my head to clear up before I can really concentrate on it.

As I’m feeling now it’s hard to even get through the day. I’m feeling completely run down and beat. I need to be more conscious of what I’m doing and start making changes. Mayhaps I should start using MyFitnessPal. Alright I’m going to Google some information and try to see if there is something I need to be aware of. So until later…

  • Later Days

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