Let me tell you that I am one of those people who is not exactly very keen about change. As I go through life and get older change seems more and more scary. I have over the past few years learned to accept change and try to find it exciting and interesting. I finished my degree December 2014 and have run into the old catch 22 of you need experience for a job, but you need a job for experience so what are you to do?! I also have been at the company I’m at for almost 7 years now and I make pretty decent money so starting over is going to be a bit of a salary cut unless I can find something somewhere that is close or a few more hours than I make now (I work 37.5 hrs a week rather than the traditional 40). Plus the vacation time I’ve accumulated and the holiday time off. It’s extremely scary to think of the future.
As I’ve looked for jobs I’ve found that looking for a job in the IT world is extremely taxing especially if you don’t know where to start. When I look for your basic help desk job they want you to have like 2 years experience for a job that only requires a high school diploma. The degree I chose I feel was a mistake, but was the best option at the time as it only covered certain aspects of the IT. I call it a 50/50 degree as it touched half on IT courses and half on management courses. It would be great if I could straight out of college manage and IT department, but that isn’t going to happen on this planet.
The worst part is I constantly doubt myself. I don’t know if I made the right decision and even after thinking all of this I wonder what I should be doing. I like helping people and with experience I’m sure it wouldn’t be as scary and overwhelming as it currently is, but what is one to do? I can tell you what I have fallen in love with and that is traveling. I love seeing new places and seeing how people in different cities have different cultures and I enjoy writing. I enjoy going to theme parks. If I could get paid to write about what I’m seeing then that would be great! (Hence I started a blog, I might not get paid for it, but I can at least write down my feeling, thoughts, and what I see.)
The “real world” as we call it is a scary place especially after you find something you do and do well. However, it might not be the best option for you. I enjoy what I do not, but I need to make more money if I’m going to be able to provide for the family I want and to do the things I want. I understand that sacrifices can be made or have to be made in order to do all of these things (or anything for that matter), but I’m not willing to sacrifice myself. I lost a year of myself to depression and that year should have been the happiest year of my life as it was the year I finally married my high school sweetheart.
I try not to let my loss define me and I look happily back on being able to marry my wife. I in turn try to block out all the bad that went on along with it, but if you ask my how long something has been since that my time schedule is all screwed up. I can’t remember specifically how long I’ve been married I have to do the math. It’s an ongoing joke because I know the date and I do know how long, but that year was so bad. I went on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicine because of it. It has been a hard battle to come back from that and even now sometimes it’s hard for me to think about it, but I try to train myself to not reflect on the bad, but the good. It’s hard and the sadness is overwhelming, but I deal.
I had some strong people with me during that and I’m grateful for them. I will always be grateful for them. I don’t feel that you ever get “cured” from depression, you just get out of it and it is always there. When things get really bad or it seems like the entire world is shitting on me I just shut down. The next day I can work on it, but everything piles on top of piles I just stop functioning. I like to think I’ve gotten better at handling these situations, but sometimes it just becomes too much at that time.
I also like to not be “oh poor me” or “look at me and feel sorry for me.” I don’t want that. There are people out there who have had it harder then me and will continue to have it harder than me and I don’t need any special attention. Help them. It’s sad that mental health is so looked down upon still.
Now that I’m way off point from my original thought I will try to reel myself back in. It’s scary out there. I’m working at trying to better myself or find something I love to do. I come up with ideas and for the most part I think I know what I want, but I don’t know how to get there. I don’t know where to start. I know the internet is there with all the answers, but you have to ask the right questions and even then you might only get opinions.
It’s a scary world and I’m an average guy doing the best I can. I have more than some, but less than others. I try not to take what I have for granted and I just try to keep believing that there is a better tomorrow. So until then…
- Later Days.